How was your morning, Jessie?

Today I woke up at 7am to a 2 year old staring at my face, just inches away from my face. His breath smelled like something had died in his face. I remember closing my eyes for a moment, as the bedroom was bright, and when I opened my eyes, all I could see where two twiggy little legs bouncing up and down on the bed. Uncomfortably wiping the crust off of my eyes, having finally fallen asleep around 2:30am, I rolled out of the bed, and said 2 year old followed me to the livingroom. I put on a cartoon for Orion, and told him to sit on the couch. I was not functioning yet. I waddled my lazy butt to the kitchen to get him a glass of milk. I poured him a glass of pepsi instead. I was tired, so I didn't notice. I then peeled and placed a banana on a plate with some round generic really gross crackers that the kids absolutely love. I brought the plate back into the livingroom to set on his lap while he watched his show. ((We do not have a kitchen table/chairs)). I used the bathroom, brushed my hair, brushed my teeth, put my hair up because I didn't feel like dealing with the fact I woke up with an afro on one side and some sort of Edward Scissorhands creation on the other side. I dragged my feet back into the livingroom, and began to pick up the crumbs, toys, and random shreds of paper from the floor before the terror *ehem* I mean, adorable 8 month old baby girl, woke up for the day. I bend down to grab the first random object from my permanently stained carpet, and here joyful screeches from Kadence's room. I hunch there for a moment. My 2 year old tells me, "mommy, move your big butt from the show!" And so I look at him and said "What do you say?" And he said "Please move your big butt from the show!" And so I did, despite the fact that he had just insulted me. I'll let it slide. This time. Onward I go to picking up the crumbs, as my daughter is completely content, I will not disrupt her playful independent moment. It takes me about 15 minutes to pick up all of the random crap from the floor. Onto vacuuming. I stand there for a few minutes to untangle the vacuum cord. I turn it on, but realize the crap in the middle isn't rotating. I dump the cup out, scrape gunky gooey shitty smelling carpet lint from the filter. I put it back together, and finish vacuuming the floor. My son begins to jump on the couch. I sternly look at him and he plops his butt down, munches on a cracker, and continues to watch TV. I go into the kitchen to prepare Kadence her morning breakfast. A banana and crackers. I know, the variety is overwhelming isn't it? I chop up her food and turn around to set her plate down on a little tray we have for them to doodle on, and Orion is almost done downing a cup of pepsi. I yell "Orion, where did you get that? That's mommy's drink!" and swipe it from his hands. I finish off the remainder of what is likely toddler saliva mixed with a little pepsi and cracker crumbs. I give him a small portion of milk to wash down all of the caffeine and sugar. Because, you know, that's what milk does. It cancels it out. Right? Kadence begins to fuss. I quickly scurry to clean up the moderate mess that my son has made while gobbling down his breakfast in the fashion of cookie monster. I walk into the bedroom to by bright brown eyed baby girl smiling at me, gnawing on her crib. I pick up my little wood chipper and place her on the old ugly loveseat that I have stored in her room, because I have nowhere to put it and am to ashamed to put the ugly ass thing outside with a FREE sign on it. So I keep it. It still works. I get her a new clean cloth diaper and stuff it with some microfiber inserts. One is wrinkled. I reach into adjust it, and the other one is crooked. I cannot handle this. I pull them out and retry. Ahh, nice and smooth. I then place the diaper down, pick up the package of wipes and set it beside Kadence, preparing for the joyous morning gift she leaves me every day at around the same time. I take her diaper off, lift her butt, and begin vigorously cleaning crap off of her, when she reaches her hand over and grabs said shitty diaper and shoves it into her mouth. I quickly set her legs down and pull the diaper away from her. "No Kady! Yucky!" I yell as I am still not feeling entirely awake. I quickly wipe the poop off of her fingers, face, and the inside of her mouth, as I am trying very hard not to gag at this point. Then I remember I had not finished cleaning her butt, lift her legs, and to my surprize the parts I hadn't cleaned had left a nice beautiful clumpy pile of fun on the ugly loveseat. I hold her up, scrub the loveseat with a wipe, and then get a new wipe and continue my duties as buttwiper. ((Mind you, it was very caked on there!)) I then put her diaper under her and it took me a good five minutes of singing, making faces, and re-snapping her cloth diaper on her butt. I am extremely OCD, so the diaper MUST be symmetrical, and have an even number of snaps unsnapped between the ones I have snapped in place. OCD sucks! I pick her up and set her in the livingroom to munch on her snack, forgetting to put her in her bumbo seat with the tray to eat. I go back into her room, gather soiled wipes and throw them away, and soon after take the diaper to be rinsed. After a good two minutes of rinsing it, I squeeze it out and put it in the bag for other filthy cloth diapers. Oh the joys. Saving money is gross! I walk back into the livinroom only to see Orion has completely stripped himself of his clothes, and is using his now naked butt to crush Kadence's crackers and bananas into the carpet, while Kadence happily picks them out and eats them. I sigh, and realize I haven't taken my medicine. I go and pop my 3x a day pill, chug a bottle of water, and think to myself, it must be nearing lunch time, I haven't gotten to sit down at all!!! To my surprise, it is 9am... ONLY 9am.... I want to cry!!! After a few minutes, Kadence rubs her eyes and yawns. I make her a bottle and put her down in her crib to see if she will nap. She drinks it, and falls asleep. I go in there and grab her bottle. I make sure to take it out if she has not finished it, so she doesn't wake and drink spoiled milk. I rinse the bottle out and lay it in the sink. Orion has settled down a little. I ask him to help me pick up the mess he made by picking/scraping banana cracker goo off of the carpet. He makes it worse. I tell him to come here, and I wipe him off with baby wipes. And then I tell him he needs to sit on the couch so I can finish. I finish. I throw said gunk away, and rinse off the snack tray which had also suffered the wrath of toddlerzilla and baby of destruction. I look at the time on my phone, scroll through facebook, and decide to see if Orion will take a nap with me. We lay down in the bed and get all cuddled up. He just lays there and stares at me. I close my eyes, thinking he will stop. I wait awhile, open them, and it appears he has moved closer. I close my eyes again, hoping ignoring his craziness will mean I get another hour in before Kadence wakes up. Nope. I feel moisture on my nose and open my eyes, only to have realized my son is licking my face. I wipe my face off and discuss with him why licking people isn't good. And then I get into the specifics of discussing WHY licking is good, and when its okay to lick. He starts picking his nose. *Sigh* I close my eyes, and it feels like I'm alseep for a very long time, but only a few minutes pass. I hear the door open. Travis is home from his morning job early. I open my eyes and see Orion's face right by mine, peacefully sleeping. So sweet. Husband shuts door loudly. Toddler wakes up. Day is ruined! Orion dives off of the bed, stomping on my organs, as he screeches happily to greet daddy. I forgot he was naked, so I look around in the room for his clothing, and realize, oh yeah, my child is nude most of the time. I roll out of bed. Its 9:30am. -.-; This is my morning in a nutshell.