Off with the diaper!!!

Hi. My name is Kadence. I am 9 months old. And I'm going to tell you a story about my morning. It started like this.... Kadence's Crib - 7:31am I opened my eyes just a crack, but damn, my room was BRIGHT. Holy shit mom, what did you do, leave the light on? Oh. Shit. It's just the sun. Okay. I closed my eyes and then opened them, repeating this until my tiny little eyeballs got used to the brightness of the sunlight seeping into my room. Man. I'm still tired. But it's so bright..and I'm hungry... I think I'll make noise and see if mom's awake... "Waaaah...." Nothing... hmmm... "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" ........ seriously? "DADADADAAAA AUHGHGHGHOMOMOMOMOMAAAAA" .....She's got to be sleeping... So I picked up my pacifier. Oh man. Grabbed the wrong end. Here, let me set it down. Okay. Got the tip. Gonna sit here and bang it against the side of the crib. *Cack cack cack cack cack........clack cack cack....cack.....* OH SHIT *clackly clack thump* I DROPPED IT. OH heavens no what will I do.... I started to yawn and suddenly my eyelids were 50lbs....shit.... I'm tired again. *thump* aaaand I'm out...sleeping...ahh..sleep...slee--sl... *snoooooore* Kadence's Crib - 8:45am I began to open my eyes. SHIT. Its still fucking bright as hell in here. What the fuck mom...really? I repeat the process of opening and closing my eyes until I'm used to it. Suddenly I bolt upwards, sitting upright, and I look around. Oh sweet Lord. What is that smell? It is awful....*sniff sniff* What is that crinkly sound. I Looked down. Velcro. How I hated it for its scratchy texture, but man oh man, when I got that stuff a-crinklin', It was like angels singing glorious music. I loved that sound! I reached down and pulled at both velcro straps. Oh. My. Gosh. MY DIAPER COMES OFF!!! WHO KNEW!?!?! So I began to pick at the velcro straps some more, and with some gentle tugging, it was loose!!! I stood up, turned, and sat back down. I WAS NAKED. Oh the freedom. THe breeze rushing past my butt, the fragrant smell of ---- *gag* What on earth is that? As I peered into my diaper, well what to find. CHOCOLATE! I always wondered how mom made brownies, and cookies, and now I know her secret! Can't fool me, mom! I have figured you out, and now I am forever blessed with an endless supply of delicious treats, and you'll never even know. So of course I had to dig in. Reaching my hands in, the texture was slimier than I was accustomed to when eating, but perhaps it was because this was fresh out of the oven. I don't care. I'm diggin' in anyway. It wreaks. Again, probably because of the freshness. The smell is just overwhelming for my tiny underdeveloped nostrils. Its so squshy. I LOVE IT! IM PAINTING MY CRIB WITH IT!!!! I'LL PAINT THE SHEETS TOO!!! I'LL RUB IT ON MY FEET! AND BEHIND MY EARS, OOHHH!!! ITS EVERYWHERE. And I have yet to eat this delectable treat. Here. Let me smear some on my face first. Ahhh...that's it. Now into the mouth and --- X: OH NO. OH NO NO. This is absolutely SICKENING! Why on earth would my mother let me feed this to myself? WWWAAHHHHHHH MAMAMAMA. DADADADADA OOOBLAHGHUGHBBBBBBFFFFVVV!!! AHHHH Wah wah wah wah!!! --*Translation*-- MOM! WAKE THE FUCK UP! IM EATING SHIT!!! AHHH!!!!