While I sit here on the couch surrounded by balled up tissues and empty goldfish cracker packets, the baby cries in the other room. She is not screaming, more like fussing, announcing that her nap is done, demanding I change her diaper and wipe her butt, and asking for attention for the rest of the day. My son still sleeps, but I assume he will wake soon too. I can feel my heart beat in my face, with every 'ba-dum' shooting pains course through my sinuses like tiny little knives piercing through every tiny little nerve. The cold. It's deadly. It's fierce. And when you're a stay at home mom, it's torture. Pure torture. You see, my husband works two jobs. He works his butt off day in and day out and can still find time to smile and laugh about the little things. But when he calls in sick, he stays home, plays around on his computer, naps on the couch frequently, and rests. That is what sick people do. THey sleep and vegetate. But not me. Even when my face feels like it's going to explode, I have to get up and go change that diaper. Even when every muscle in my body feels like it's going to be ripped out with dull spoons, I still have to get up and entertain my son with a dancy-dance. Even when the unrelenting headache will not fade, I still have to listen to "Yooooo Gabba Gabbaaaaaaaaaaa" oooooover and over and OVER again! Yeah. I sit down a lot. Yeah, sometimes I don't even need to change my pajamas and leave the house. Fantastic. Outsiders say: "Wow, you never even have to leave the house, even if you're busy all day at least you can stay at home." "You never have to leave your pajamas!" "You could totally skip a shower, lucky!" "You can watch whatever you want on TV and snack all day while the kids play." Yes. Yes I could. But unfortunately, it's not how it sounds. Sometimes, I want to feel good about myself. I want to look pretty. I don't change out of my pajamas because I'm exhausted, the laundry is being washed for the millionth time after having forgotten about it, it sets in the dryer retaining the intense funk that is a musky basement scent. I WANT to shower, don't get me wrong. The smell of my armpits can only be held off so long with deodorant. Greasy itchy hair is hard to work with, and I'm not sure how many people are aware of how hairy legs can be irritating. Oh, and leaving the house? Lord save me, I WANT TO RUN AWAY a large portion of the time! I want to escape. Sometimes I want to just run out of the house and not look back. And when my husband is home on his only day off of the week, I want to go out and do things, but he is too tired and wants to stay at home. It's a battle. I know he's tired. I respect that he wants to rest. But I need to get out. I spend all day in our tiny 900sq foot 3 bedroom shack, I want to be outside, I don't want to hear the sounds of screaming, or the the grumbling sounds of a filling diaper, or the constant "Mommy, I'm thirsty. OH I have to pee!!!" As for watching TV, we do a lot of that. My favorite show is Yo Gabba Gabba. Or wait, no, it's Super Why. Or maybe it's those irritating leap frog movies on Netflix... wait... Hold on a second, those are NOT MY FAVORITE! Those are the kids favorites. And I watch them. Over and Over. And the only reason I snack is because I hardly have time for a meal to myself. I'm hungry. I have to eat too. I can't tell you how many times people have made me feel like I'm not good enough. Sometimes I believe them. But I really work hard at believing what I want to believe. Which is the fact that I'm working really hard to shape our future, which in the end is more important than anything. When I get old, I die. But they'll keep living on, and will hopefully shape up their own youngsters to pass on. People need to realize what stay at home moms do. And what some working moms do, too, especially if both parents work, and switch "shifts." I can't imagine how hard it is to come and go like that. ((Even though personally a few hours out of the house would be FANTASTIC)) One more thing that I need to address (that no one will likely see) Is that YES, I'm on Facebook a lot. I have my phone in hand, sifting through posts, replying to some, posting on others. I do this while I'm playing with the kids, while they're entranced in a certain part of a TV show, or while they're quietly playing with their Little People sets. Hell, I wish I could have playdates once a day with 20 other moms, and discuss politics, religion, and vaginas all day long, but realistically the internet is all I've got. We don't have a 2nd vehicle. A lot of families don't. A lot of families can't afford the gas to drive anywhere. And sometimes, its just easier not to take the kids anywhere, even if it's a sacrifice to us. The internet and the people on it are my only friends. I need them, they're all I have when I'm at home with the kids all night, and I think that people need to open their minds a little and see WHY it is what SAHM's do what SAHM's do.