While I sit here on the couch surrounded by balled up tissues and empty goldfish cracker packets, the baby cries in the other room. She is not screaming, more like fussing, announcing that her nap is done, demanding I change her diaper and wipe her butt, and asking for attention for the rest of the day. My son still sleeps, but I assume he will wake soon too. I can feel my heart beat in my face, with every 'ba-dum' shooting pains course through my sinuses like tiny little knives piercing through every tiny little nerve. The cold. It's deadly. It's fierce. And when you're a stay at home mom, it's torture. Pure torture. You see, my husband works two jobs. He works his butt off day in and day out and can still find time to smile and laugh about the little things. But when he calls in sick, he stays home, plays around on his computer, naps on the couch frequently, and rests. That is what sick people do. THey sleep and vegetate. But not me. Even when my face feels like it's going to explode, I have to get up and go change that diaper. Even when every muscle in my body feels like it's going to be ripped out with dull spoons, I still have to get up and entertain my son with a dancy-dance. Even when the unrelenting headache will not fade, I still have to listen to "Yooooo Gabba Gabbaaaaaaaaaaa" oooooover and over and OVER again! Yeah. I sit down a lot. Yeah, sometimes I don't even need to change my pajamas and leave the house. Fantastic. Outsiders say: "Wow, you never even have to leave the house, even if you're busy all day at least you can stay at home." "You never have to leave your pajamas!" "You could totally skip a shower, lucky!" "You can watch whatever you want on TV and snack all day while the kids play." Yes. Yes I could. But unfortunately, it's not how it sounds. Sometimes, I want to feel good about myself. I want to look pretty. I don't change out of my pajamas because I'm exhausted, the laundry is being washed for the millionth time after having forgotten about it, it sets in the dryer retaining the intense funk that is a musky basement scent. I WANT to shower, don't get me wrong. The smell of my armpits can only be held off so long with deodorant. Greasy itchy hair is hard to work with, and I'm not sure how many people are aware of how hairy legs can be irritating. Oh, and leaving the house? Lord save me, I WANT TO RUN AWAY a large portion of the time! I want to escape. Sometimes I want to just run out of the house and not look back. And when my husband is home on his only day off of the week, I want to go out and do things, but he is too tired and wants to stay at home. It's a battle. I know he's tired. I respect that he wants to rest. But I need to get out. I spend all day in our tiny 900sq foot 3 bedroom shack, I want to be outside, I don't want to hear the sounds of screaming, or the the grumbling sounds of a filling diaper, or the constant "Mommy, I'm thirsty. OH I have to pee!!!" As for watching TV, we do a lot of that. My favorite show is Yo Gabba Gabba. Or wait, no, it's Super Why. Or maybe it's those irritating leap frog movies on Netflix... wait... Hold on a second, those are NOT MY FAVORITE! Those are the kids favorites. And I watch them. Over and Over. And the only reason I snack is because I hardly have time for a meal to myself. I'm hungry. I have to eat too. I can't tell you how many times people have made me feel like I'm not good enough. Sometimes I believe them. But I really work hard at believing what I want to believe. Which is the fact that I'm working really hard to shape our future, which in the end is more important than anything. When I get old, I die. But they'll keep living on, and will hopefully shape up their own youngsters to pass on. People need to realize what stay at home moms do. And what some working moms do, too, especially if both parents work, and switch "shifts." I can't imagine how hard it is to come and go like that. ((Even though personally a few hours out of the house would be FANTASTIC)) One more thing that I need to address (that no one will likely see) Is that YES, I'm on Facebook a lot. I have my phone in hand, sifting through posts, replying to some, posting on others. I do this while I'm playing with the kids, while they're entranced in a certain part of a TV show, or while they're quietly playing with their Little People sets. Hell, I wish I could have playdates once a day with 20 other moms, and discuss politics, religion, and vaginas all day long, but realistically the internet is all I've got. We don't have a 2nd vehicle. A lot of families don't. A lot of families can't afford the gas to drive anywhere. And sometimes, its just easier not to take the kids anywhere, even if it's a sacrifice to us. The internet and the people on it are my only friends. I need them, they're all I have when I'm at home with the kids all night, and I think that people need to open their minds a little and see WHY it is what SAHM's do what SAHM's do.

Stay at home mom

What is a Stay at Home Mom (SAHM)? Well... a mom who stays at home with her kids, right? You get to play all day with toys, laugh and giggle, build forts with the couch cushions, nap whenever you want, sit around on Facebook, watch chick flicks, and of course drink wine all day, snacking relentlessly, like some sort of end-of-world event is about to happen. ----- Well, you've sort of got that half-right. I am a mom. I do stay at home. I do get on Facebook. I get to play, I get to rest. However, some things are not true. I do not drink. A mom who drinks alcohol while her children are awake without at least one sober person present, is an idiot. Sorry if you fall under that category. But really, if you trust in yourself to get intoxicated in front of your children, you're an idiot. If you have an adult with you (like perhaps, a sober husband or friend) who is willing to watch the children in the event that you can't, then yes, I don't think it is terrible. However, be warned, if your children get caught drinking out of your liquor cabinet or at a party, don't come to me with a look of shock, sadness, and dismay. You did it. Not me. We are role models for our children. They're like little human sponges, and a lot of the stuff they absorb as toddlers, they carry with them to adulthood. Even I am learning from this. While I don't drink, I make unhealthy eating decisions, I don't say "excuse me" when I fart, and I don't shave my legs every time I shower. I don't always stay at home. Yes, I'm a stay at home mom. But I'm also responsible for grocery shopping, clothes shopping, shoe shopping, trips to the park (most of which I WALK, because my husband has the car), photo sessions, outdoor education. ((Example, what color is that house? How many cars do you see? And so on...)). As much as I'd like to stay home ALL DAY, I'd get bored. The kids would get bored. And I'd probably be fat. Not gonna lie. My house is small, its not like I have room to do cartwheels with the kids. I don't watch chick flicks. I'm not ready for my children to learn or ask questions about kissing, sexual intimacy, or domestic violence. Surprisingly there is a lot of domestic abuse, whether it be emotional or physical, that is then portrayed as comedy. As an adult, we can laugh, because we know better. Children don't know better. If they laugh at it now, they probably think its okay for adults to hit each other. It's not. Don't expose them to this stuff. I rarely nap. I use the time to edit photos, chat online, get some adult interaction in. Sometimes I tidy up, sometimes I'll wash a few dishes or do a load of laundry. And in those rare moments when the kids are in a deep sleep, I might even shower. And if I'm even MORE lucky, I will shave! My bathroom sits neatly nestled between the children's rooms, and I wouldn't be shocked if my walls were cardboard, and the splattering of water, gargling of my hair-clogged drain, and my beautiful singing might wake them. So its a rare occurrence. Snacking? well, sometimes I do. When they're napping. But any mom knows, that if you eat something, the kids need some, and by the time they're done garbling away at your food like piranhas, you might get to lick the drooly crumbs off of your fingers. Might. If you have fingers. The moment they hear you crinkle that ding-dong wrapper, or hear the crunch of a Dorito as you hide in the linen closet. They will find you. They will wine. They will scream. They will devour you. But I'll warn you, the moment you make dinner, they'll have no part in it. So be prepared! Facebook. Yes. I get on Facebook. A LOT. Its one of the few things I can do while watching the kids and interacting with them. It is also one way I can keep in touch with MANY family members, my mom's side, my dad's side, and my in-laws. I can post pictures of the kids, talk about the silly things they say, and share that joy with others. I'm not there for drama, or for the stupid games (those of which MOST I block, until they make new ones...grr). I'm there to share my love. Share my joy. Talk to other moms who know what I'm going through. Being a stay at home mom is far more complex than people give it credit for. Yes, I do everything. Yes, I take care of the children. I teach them, they teach me, I follow their lead so they can learn what they're interested in, I keep them clean, I keep their clothes clean for approximately 2 minutes after I put them on, until someone pukes, or poops, or urinates themselves, I keep them fed, I worry about their nutrition. I struggle to get them to eat. I struggle to get them to nap. I struggle to keep them happy. I want to give them CHILDHOOD. Childhood is so short in comparison to adulthood. While I want them to be prepared to leave the nest, I know a large portion of what they learn will be by making mistakes. They will learn in their own way. My main focus is to teach them as they grow, but still give them childhood. Joy, happiness, innocence, and sometimes ignorance, like not knowing about sex, drugs, alcohol, and murder. They'll figure that out when they're older. They don't need to worry now. Let me worry. I am mom. I will worry for them. There is so much. To me, going to work AND raising kids would be hard, however, going to work would be a getaway. You get to interact with adults, you get to think clearly, you don't get filthy, and if you do, you're actually getting paid a decent amount to do so, which helps. My advice to you is, if you know someone who stays at home with her kids (or even a stay at home dad!) Give them a hug. Tell that parent how wonderful it is that they do what they do. Offer them a hand, but don't be shocked if they say no. Some people don't want the help. Some people don't need it. Ask for playdates, offer to babysit, and NEVER EVER ask them out to girls night/guys night if you KNOW they don't have a sitter lined up. If you don't know, don't ask. Unless you havent planned it yet, because they'd have to plan ahead. If you do plan something, make sure you plan an event where the kids are involved. You can still have fun with kids around. All parents are hard working people. ALL of them deserve these things. All of them deserve help. However, give those stay at home parents a boost of morale. They sacrifice their friendships, their careers, and even themselves, for their children, and that really says a lot. (Not saying that all parents don't sacrifice, you have to in order to be a parent, but SAHM's sacrifice a little differently. ))

Off with the diaper!!!

Hi. My name is Kadence. I am 9 months old. And I'm going to tell you a story about my morning. It started like this.... Kadence's Crib - 7:31am I opened my eyes just a crack, but damn, my room was BRIGHT. Holy shit mom, what did you do, leave the light on? Oh. Shit. It's just the sun. Okay. I closed my eyes and then opened them, repeating this until my tiny little eyeballs got used to the brightness of the sunlight seeping into my room. Man. I'm still tired. But it's so bright..and I'm hungry... I think I'll make noise and see if mom's awake... "Waaaah...." Nothing... hmmm... "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" ........ seriously? "DADADADAAAA AUHGHGHGHOMOMOMOMOMAAAAA" .....She's got to be sleeping... So I picked up my pacifier. Oh man. Grabbed the wrong end. Here, let me set it down. Okay. Got the tip. Gonna sit here and bang it against the side of the crib. *Cack cack cack cack cack........clack cack cack....cack.....* OH SHIT *clackly clack thump* I DROPPED IT. OH heavens no what will I do.... I started to yawn and suddenly my eyelids were 50lbs....shit.... I'm tired again. *thump* aaaand I'm out...sleeping...ahh..sleep...slee--sl... *snoooooore* Kadence's Crib - 8:45am I began to open my eyes. SHIT. Its still fucking bright as hell in here. What the fuck mom...really? I repeat the process of opening and closing my eyes until I'm used to it. Suddenly I bolt upwards, sitting upright, and I look around. Oh sweet Lord. What is that smell? It is awful....*sniff sniff* What is that crinkly sound. I Looked down. Velcro. How I hated it for its scratchy texture, but man oh man, when I got that stuff a-crinklin', It was like angels singing glorious music. I loved that sound! I reached down and pulled at both velcro straps. Oh. My. Gosh. MY DIAPER COMES OFF!!! WHO KNEW!?!?! So I began to pick at the velcro straps some more, and with some gentle tugging, it was loose!!! I stood up, turned, and sat back down. I WAS NAKED. Oh the freedom. THe breeze rushing past my butt, the fragrant smell of ---- *gag* What on earth is that? As I peered into my diaper, well what to find. CHOCOLATE! I always wondered how mom made brownies, and cookies, and now I know her secret! Can't fool me, mom! I have figured you out, and now I am forever blessed with an endless supply of delicious treats, and you'll never even know. So of course I had to dig in. Reaching my hands in, the texture was slimier than I was accustomed to when eating, but perhaps it was because this was fresh out of the oven. I don't care. I'm diggin' in anyway. It wreaks. Again, probably because of the freshness. The smell is just overwhelming for my tiny underdeveloped nostrils. Its so squshy. I LOVE IT! IM PAINTING MY CRIB WITH IT!!!! I'LL PAINT THE SHEETS TOO!!! I'LL RUB IT ON MY FEET! AND BEHIND MY EARS, OOHHH!!! ITS EVERYWHERE. And I have yet to eat this delectable treat. Here. Let me smear some on my face first. Ahhh...that's it. Now into the mouth and --- X: OH NO. OH NO NO. This is absolutely SICKENING! Why on earth would my mother let me feed this to myself? WWWAAHHHHHHH MAMAMAMA. DADADADADA OOOBLAHGHUGHBBBBBBFFFFVVV!!! AHHHH Wah wah wah wah!!! --*Translation*-- MOM! WAKE THE FUCK UP! IM EATING SHIT!!! AHHH!!!!

How was your morning, Jessie?

Today I woke up at 7am to a 2 year old staring at my face, just inches away from my face. His breath smelled like something had died in his face. I remember closing my eyes for a moment, as the bedroom was bright, and when I opened my eyes, all I could see where two twiggy little legs bouncing up and down on the bed. Uncomfortably wiping the crust off of my eyes, having finally fallen asleep around 2:30am, I rolled out of the bed, and said 2 year old followed me to the livingroom. I put on a cartoon for Orion, and told him to sit on the couch. I was not functioning yet. I waddled my lazy butt to the kitchen to get him a glass of milk. I poured him a glass of pepsi instead. I was tired, so I didn't notice. I then peeled and placed a banana on a plate with some round generic really gross crackers that the kids absolutely love. I brought the plate back into the livingroom to set on his lap while he watched his show. ((We do not have a kitchen table/chairs)). I used the bathroom, brushed my hair, brushed my teeth, put my hair up because I didn't feel like dealing with the fact I woke up with an afro on one side and some sort of Edward Scissorhands creation on the other side. I dragged my feet back into the livingroom, and began to pick up the crumbs, toys, and random shreds of paper from the floor before the terror *ehem* I mean, adorable 8 month old baby girl, woke up for the day. I bend down to grab the first random object from my permanently stained carpet, and here joyful screeches from Kadence's room. I hunch there for a moment. My 2 year old tells me, "mommy, move your big butt from the show!" And so I look at him and said "What do you say?" And he said "Please move your big butt from the show!" And so I did, despite the fact that he had just insulted me. I'll let it slide. This time. Onward I go to picking up the crumbs, as my daughter is completely content, I will not disrupt her playful independent moment. It takes me about 15 minutes to pick up all of the random crap from the floor. Onto vacuuming. I stand there for a few minutes to untangle the vacuum cord. I turn it on, but realize the crap in the middle isn't rotating. I dump the cup out, scrape gunky gooey shitty smelling carpet lint from the filter. I put it back together, and finish vacuuming the floor. My son begins to jump on the couch. I sternly look at him and he plops his butt down, munches on a cracker, and continues to watch TV. I go into the kitchen to prepare Kadence her morning breakfast. A banana and crackers. I know, the variety is overwhelming isn't it? I chop up her food and turn around to set her plate down on a little tray we have for them to doodle on, and Orion is almost done downing a cup of pepsi. I yell "Orion, where did you get that? That's mommy's drink!" and swipe it from his hands. I finish off the remainder of what is likely toddler saliva mixed with a little pepsi and cracker crumbs. I give him a small portion of milk to wash down all of the caffeine and sugar. Because, you know, that's what milk does. It cancels it out. Right? Kadence begins to fuss. I quickly scurry to clean up the moderate mess that my son has made while gobbling down his breakfast in the fashion of cookie monster. I walk into the bedroom to by bright brown eyed baby girl smiling at me, gnawing on her crib. I pick up my little wood chipper and place her on the old ugly loveseat that I have stored in her room, because I have nowhere to put it and am to ashamed to put the ugly ass thing outside with a FREE sign on it. So I keep it. It still works. I get her a new clean cloth diaper and stuff it with some microfiber inserts. One is wrinkled. I reach into adjust it, and the other one is crooked. I cannot handle this. I pull them out and retry. Ahh, nice and smooth. I then place the diaper down, pick up the package of wipes and set it beside Kadence, preparing for the joyous morning gift she leaves me every day at around the same time. I take her diaper off, lift her butt, and begin vigorously cleaning crap off of her, when she reaches her hand over and grabs said shitty diaper and shoves it into her mouth. I quickly set her legs down and pull the diaper away from her. "No Kady! Yucky!" I yell as I am still not feeling entirely awake. I quickly wipe the poop off of her fingers, face, and the inside of her mouth, as I am trying very hard not to gag at this point. Then I remember I had not finished cleaning her butt, lift her legs, and to my surprize the parts I hadn't cleaned had left a nice beautiful clumpy pile of fun on the ugly loveseat. I hold her up, scrub the loveseat with a wipe, and then get a new wipe and continue my duties as buttwiper. ((Mind you, it was very caked on there!)) I then put her diaper under her and it took me a good five minutes of singing, making faces, and re-snapping her cloth diaper on her butt. I am extremely OCD, so the diaper MUST be symmetrical, and have an even number of snaps unsnapped between the ones I have snapped in place. OCD sucks! I pick her up and set her in the livingroom to munch on her snack, forgetting to put her in her bumbo seat with the tray to eat. I go back into her room, gather soiled wipes and throw them away, and soon after take the diaper to be rinsed. After a good two minutes of rinsing it, I squeeze it out and put it in the bag for other filthy cloth diapers. Oh the joys. Saving money is gross! I walk back into the livinroom only to see Orion has completely stripped himself of his clothes, and is using his now naked butt to crush Kadence's crackers and bananas into the carpet, while Kadence happily picks them out and eats them. I sigh, and realize I haven't taken my medicine. I go and pop my 3x a day pill, chug a bottle of water, and think to myself, it must be nearing lunch time, I haven't gotten to sit down at all!!! To my surprise, it is 9am... ONLY 9am.... I want to cry!!! After a few minutes, Kadence rubs her eyes and yawns. I make her a bottle and put her down in her crib to see if she will nap. She drinks it, and falls asleep. I go in there and grab her bottle. I make sure to take it out if she has not finished it, so she doesn't wake and drink spoiled milk. I rinse the bottle out and lay it in the sink. Orion has settled down a little. I ask him to help me pick up the mess he made by picking/scraping banana cracker goo off of the carpet. He makes it worse. I tell him to come here, and I wipe him off with baby wipes. And then I tell him he needs to sit on the couch so I can finish. I finish. I throw said gunk away, and rinse off the snack tray which had also suffered the wrath of toddlerzilla and baby of destruction. I look at the time on my phone, scroll through facebook, and decide to see if Orion will take a nap with me. We lay down in the bed and get all cuddled up. He just lays there and stares at me. I close my eyes, thinking he will stop. I wait awhile, open them, and it appears he has moved closer. I close my eyes again, hoping ignoring his craziness will mean I get another hour in before Kadence wakes up. Nope. I feel moisture on my nose and open my eyes, only to have realized my son is licking my face. I wipe my face off and discuss with him why licking people isn't good. And then I get into the specifics of discussing WHY licking is good, and when its okay to lick. He starts picking his nose. *Sigh* I close my eyes, and it feels like I'm alseep for a very long time, but only a few minutes pass. I hear the door open. Travis is home from his morning job early. I open my eyes and see Orion's face right by mine, peacefully sleeping. So sweet. Husband shuts door loudly. Toddler wakes up. Day is ruined! Orion dives off of the bed, stomping on my organs, as he screeches happily to greet daddy. I forgot he was naked, so I look around in the room for his clothing, and realize, oh yeah, my child is nude most of the time. I roll out of bed. Its 9:30am. -.-; This is my morning in a nutshell.